I have taken bit of a break from my journaling/blogging, for personal family reasons, and just because I needed a break and some time to gather my thoughts about thing and life.
1 week after I wrote this post....I got my wish. 2013 had a whopper for me and my family and it has sent us into a tailspin. we are coming out of it all now and we are going to be fine but holy moly its like I knew something was brewing and I was being prepared. And let me state that no my Cancer is not back,I am still in remission and I don't plan on it ever coming back, but thank you for all of the concerned emails.
So Im about to get all "churchy" so if that isnt your thing you might want to close this post up right now and come back another day because I am about to go there.
I consider myself a religious person. I havent always been but since my early 20s i would say that it has played a big role in my life. I hesitate to admit im religious because it seems the moment a person admits that they are religious judgements start rolling in. everyone who knows every wrong thing you have ever done hears you say your religious and they snicker under their breath or whisper something to their friend about how they know your past behavior or they know how you yelled at your kids so what a hypocrite you are for saying you are religious.
Im going to say it. Im religious... I try every day to be more like my Savior and everyday I fail miserably. Let me say it again I fail MISERABLY. I am not saying this because i am down on myself, Im simply stating it for the fact that it is. I am Human and make mistakes. A lot of them.
I have had to learn a lot about forgiveness in the last bit of my life. I thought I had learned about it before, I had little lessons here and there, and to be honest I thought that I kind of had it down, to art. I wasnt easily offended, I was able to brush things people did or said easily off my back. I was ok at forgiveness and not just to people who did something harmful to me but just the simple act of forgiving people for being human, for not being perfect.
Silly me....I had and still have a lot to learn. While I was busy thinking I was doing ok at forgiving something came up that has helped me realize..." well michelle you arent that great at it, you still have a long way to go"
how often do we "forgive" someone for their flaws? how often do we see a mother make a bad mothering choice and not look at her differently? How often do we say that we forgive the sinner but we never look at them the same, even after they have made right with God? How often do we Say that Christ died for all of our sins, but then look at someones sins who are all out there and judge them and what they have done, even as they are fighting their way back and are searching for the same love and mercy each of us hope to receive for our sins?
I say these things because I am guilty. I "forgave" the bad mother but never looked at them the same. I " forgave" the husband or wife who made a horrible choice of being unfaithful but I never looked at them same. They were tarnished in my eyes. I still loved them and cared for them but if I am being truly honest with myself I have to say that Inside i looked at them differently,not all of the time but I was not truly accepting what I professed to believe
BAM there you go. Im a judger, the last thing I ever wanted or tried to be I am. But I am not going to be anymore. these last few months have taught me that.
I believe that through the atonement of Christ we can all be clean again. Really really really clean....like it never happened, it isnt an easy process but it is possible.
I believe that. Now its time for me to start acting like it.
By the way. Happy late Easter.
